Dorky moo girl @maxine@social.mootech.eu

Oh, by the way, I still haven't come out as non-binary, gender fluid, butch femme, demi-sexual or aromantic to my parents, family or ex-sister (I sort of came out as plural to her, but regret that)

The reason being: I highly doubt they can even grasp what any of that means and they proof that fact very often and consistently to me.

So, I don't even bother.

Only problem is. People like me get murdered. While people like her won't.

And won't even see any consequence of their actions, at all.

Thus is the life of marginalized people, I guess.

To be murdered as the scapegoat for other people finding out that the world is shit and not liking it.

I wonder if she actually read that book about a trans man's experience.

Still need to get her the other one too.

This "in the past, everything was better" myth bullshit is so fucking exhausting.

Doctors were shit back then too. I literally told her, she just could pretend the world was nicer and that's it.

The world is shit since forever. Just middle class white hetero cis people, like my mother, could pretend it wasn't for a very long time.

Now they see the truth and hate it. But instead of fixing it, they glorify some mystic past and vote genocidal murderers into office.

Anyway, that prompted my mother to say "I don't trust doctors anymore, especially because your [ex-] sister says..."

I cut her off then, because I know what my nazi ex-sister and anti-vaxxer says and thinks.

She's a nurse, but got only into it, to be a cop. Literally. And has very little actual medical knowledge beyond, but knows how to manipulate people into thinking she does.

She's a manipulative asshole, but that for another thing again

Oh, I also had a phone call with my parents earlier.

Not that I want to, but if I don't call every week, I get bullied into it (talk about boundaries, but those were never a thing anyway.... but that's another talk)

We also talked about my grandfather, who has surgery soon and is watched for stuff (heart and cancer on kidney)

They had other plans before, but changed them and I was like "they have their reasons"

While talking about languages, I was thinking more often lately to learn sign language.

Mostly so I can communicate non-verbally with other people, on the daily basis and have a higher chance not being misgendered.

Honestly, it's mostly that. Don't wanna use my voice, because of chance of being misgendered.

But also don't want to change my voice, to be correctly gendered, because it's my voice and changing it is bad.
Just because it wouldn't be my voice then.

Which also means, btw. You really don't do me a favor talking in German to me and I kindly ask you not to.

And the main reason, I keep it sort of a secret, that I speak it. Because I don't want people starting talking German with me.

I actually forget how to talk in it, sometimes and communicating in it gets harder.

And even though it's my first language, I am kind of happy that happens.

Also to finish this up.

I really, really, really, really hate German as a language. There are efforts to make it more gender inclusive, but it's klunky at best, because this language was just never meant to be inclusive at all.

Fuck, there isn't even a word for "gender" in it. We have to borrow it from English.

Also why I prefer talking English. It's not great, but at least it's a lot easier to have a gender neutral language and gender inclusive language.

Also fucking god, I wish I could explain to my parents (so they actually understand), how the party they worship wants to kill me.

This self-ID law would save me so much fucking pain and then there are people out there (even former parts of my family), who are working actively against that.

But I mean, as a cis person, it's easy to think that nazis actually wanted to help me.

It's not their skin, that's in danger. And they have no clue what it means, being trans.

I'm quite happy I found out what the hubbub is about. Took me a bit though.

And yeah not surprised that nazis doing nazi shit and this is of course what they really want.

But hey, even the most progressive party doesn't recognize me after all. Great stuff.

Oh, and honestly, I just wish that everyone in the AfD (my ex-sister included) would do society a big favor and put a bullet through their heads.
Would do so much good.

It's a pretty shitty ruling, because it puts enby folks into the binary categories.

So, I would also not be able to go for those spots, only binary trans women would be able to, who are also outed.

Arsy ruling aside, the right wing propganda is blowing this out of proportions of course and not telling the true reasons, so they can sell their anti-trans propaganda.

NSDAP 2,0 (AfD) of course spearing this movement (my ex-sister is a member of them)

So, I found out what the nazis and TERFs blow up into stupid proportions to "proof: that the self-ID law has to be opposed.

Looks like a person on the green party tried to proof a point, by applying for a spot, protected by a women quota, while identifying as a man. (To proof that the women quota would be an injustice to men...)

The green party court ruled against him and also against protection of enby folks, who they put into the "men" part

Also a lot of those things work perfectly fine. If I don't try to do them consciously.

Like following instructions to go to a place? Hah, no chance

Finding that place on my own, while my mind is distracted (not actively thinking), no prob

Or paginating things. Images pop up on their own, but keeping them up by will or changing them? Nope. No control at all, not even a little

More or less, one half of my brain has trouble communicating with the other, but both work pretty good on their own

Memory in general is pretty crap, reading people('s emotions) doesn't work proper.

Keeping things before my inner eye or manipulating things are near impossible (aohantasia), though I can have mental images. Just no control.

Oh yeah, no 3 dimensional vision (though, that's more an eye thing, as my left eye is pretty bad and thus no spacial vision)

I also feel like those things are pretty related.

Just saying, I have barely a constant sense of time. (If there isn't a clock around, I have no fucking clue if it's morning, noon or evening, unless I can use the sun as a clock)

I have a heard time distinguishing faces or remembering faces, often mixing up people, unless I can ID them on other things.

Mt spacial orientation is crap and if you try to explain how to get to a place, try a wall. You'd have more luck with the wall

Also there was made an MRI of my brain, but only to check for brain damage (I'd presume scars or very underdeveloped parts)

Also it was a static image, not a functional scan.

And I doubt it was very thorough, because it was just a general scan.

But not that I have any chance of proving any of that or get a chance at somebody actually taking me serious enough to make proper checks, in the medical world.

Honestly, I am pretty sure my brain isn't working like "normal" brains in a couple of aspects.

But each time I bring it up, it's always "Can't be true." "You're making things up." "this can be explained different;y (without saying how)"

"Talking-Animal Animation" Now that's a category, I can get behind