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Abuse mention (~+) 

In the end, it's my past and I wish I could undo it.
But I can't and I have to move forward.

But I can use this to explain why I act irrationally in many situations.

Why I don't need help by showing me how it's done. As it triggers flashbacks and fears of having my experience erased again.

I need someone by my side, who gives me directions! not somebody showing me "the best" (or their way) of doing it, even in the best intentions.

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Abuse mention (~+) 

Seriously though, this explains so much about the shit I have to deal with now.

Like, how do you develop an identity, if all your experiences get "proven" wrong from the outside, all the time?

How do you develop trust, if all you say is used against you, to make you comfort to the made of world of someone else?

How do you learn what love is, if all you get is abuse and neglect, unless you do what other people want of you?

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Abuse mention (--) 

Aren't I such a lucky child, to have such a loving mother.

Who calls me a lazy bastard, to "motivate me" and when I tell her that it just hurt and did nothing, she just says "I do it again anyway!"

Such a loving, caring person, who could never traumatize anyone ever, because she lives in her perfect little world, where her own children just cannot have been traumatized by her and all evidence to the contrary gets pulled out by the root, of course not inducing more trauma

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Abuse mention (-) 

Silly me, for thinking that having all that is real for me questioned constantly, because I don't exist to my abuser.

Only the image she made of me exists, where I love all she cooks and otherwise she just abuses me more.

Or how she listens to what I say and does not use it against me at all.

She's of course perfect and can't ever do wrong, especially not cause her youngest child have to deal with heavy trauma and PTSD in her later age

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Abuse mention (-) 

"You have to want to do this" is still such a weird concept to me.

It's not even that I have to do something I don't want, I also have to enjoy it, so the abuser doesn't feel bad about abusing me.

I guess next layer of abuse or the abuser in denial of their own abusing coping mechanism.

But again, I am the one living in a dream world, not my abuser. because she lives in the real world of course, where she doesn't traumatize her own youngest daughter.

MH (-), game dev, abandoning projects 

Not sure what to do with the burnout problem. Pacing is an issue with shifting interests and also, again, past trauma.

Also shifting todo lists, because perfectionism and also fleeing into work, to not deal with things.

I do want to finish this project eventually, but I also don't want to force myself on others, who I know are busy with lots of other things.

Maybe do some arts tomorrow and call it a day then.

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MH (-), game dev, abandoning projects 

So, I guess me abandoning projects has a few sources:
- burnout on the project (more or less, I tend to work on something until I physicaly can't anymore, doing 12h of work a day, many days in a row)
- past trauma (mostly fear of abandonment and not asking for help, though this got better)
- shifting interests (which I try to keep focused by not doing other things, but this also leads to bad things in it's own, paired with first, aka no relaxation)

It's big Friday & it's time to zoom! :whats_this: Tonight sniffing about for more eggies in the Forgotten Realms, with Spyro & the gang. :pupper_wag: ^-^
:heart_crown: twitch.tv/ulvra :heart_crown:

It's little Friday & it's time for spooky zooms! :whats_this: Tonight hopping back into the Pupmobile to ride the currents of the void, in Warframe: Call of the Tempestarii. ^-^
:heart_crown: twitch.tv/ulvra :heart_crown:

MH (+) 

With @behold3r and @ulvra it's like I am in a complete different world.
Interactions are positive, we care for each other, we share things, we have positive memories.

Before I had the two, my life was dominated by "joking", or rather hurting others on purpose, to entertain. It's all my bio family ever did. It's all they ever do still.

It's just two worlds that could not be more different an I am happy I found the world I belong into.

And mostly left the broken "family"

It's big Friday & it's time for a stream! :whats_this: Tonight setting course towards Lower Ascension Station! Onwards & pupwards! :pupper_zoom: ^-^
:heart_crown: twitch.tv/ulvra :heart_crown:

One of my dogs likes tennis balls and the other likes sticks. I am getting them this educational toy so that they will learn about topology.

It's big Friday & it's time for a stream! :whats_this: Tonight puttering about in pupsuit of the ultimate pupspresso, in Deponia! :pupper_wag: :pupper_poison:
:heart_crown: twitch.tv/ulvra :heart_crown:

It's little Friday & it's time for a stream! :whats_this: Something thematic, but what could it be... maybe something with a bun-E..? 🥚 🐰 🐣 🐉
:heart_crown: twitch.tv/ulvra :heart_crown:

Childhood trauma, abuse (-) 

I remember vividly how she told me once I should stop living in my dream world (because I was talking a lot about socialist ideas)

I literally kicked her out of my room and wasn't ever angrier.
Because the person who lived in her own dreamworld for as long as I can remember, tells me I live in one???

She definitely noticed that she overstepped there, the hard way.

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Childhood trauma, abuse (-) 

TL;DR my relationship with my bio mother wasn't loving. It was a constant power struggle between me, wanting to have my own reality acknowledged and her, wanting to leave in her coping dream world.

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I could also talk about this for days, because it effects me so much, but also eh.

The result is though, treat me like a kid, because that's what I'm often enough.

I need help. Like with simple things, but help as in "I am here and make sure you can ask me"
and not
"I am doing this now, how I think it's done best"

Because the last one is just extremely triggering.

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Childhood trauma, abuse (-) 

I guess there is likely even more.

But all the time I was kept in check with "what would other people think???" or with emotional abuse.

I know it's not her fault and it's her trying to cope.
But it literally ruined my life and gave me cPTSD and split me apart.

I just realize that my affinity for dualities It stems from there always been two worlds. My own world and the world forced onto me.

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Childhood trauma, abuse (-) 

My entire life, I got tormented, abused, lied to, so my mother can keep up her own reality, where I am not existing.

My needs were not existing. I was not existing. Only the image she had of me mattered. Only me playing along mattered.

Playing along only resulted in more abuse, more of my own needs ignored, because "Look, you liked doing it! So it was good!"

Which wasn't true. I pretended to keep her imaginary world up.

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