Abuse mention (-) 

"You have to want to do this" is still such a weird concept to me.

It's not even that I have to do something I don't want, I also have to enjoy it, so the abuser doesn't feel bad about abusing me.

I guess next layer of abuse or the abuser in denial of their own abusing coping mechanism.

But again, I am the one living in a dream world, not my abuser. because she lives in the real world of course, where she doesn't traumatize her own youngest daughter.

Abuse mention (-) 

Silly me, for thinking that having all that is real for me questioned constantly, because I don't exist to my abuser.

Only the image she made of me exists, where I love all she cooks and otherwise she just abuses me more.

Or how she listens to what I say and does not use it against me at all.

She's of course perfect and can't ever do wrong, especially not cause her youngest child have to deal with heavy trauma and PTSD in her later age

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Abuse mention (--) 

Aren't I such a lucky child, to have such a loving mother.

Who calls me a lazy bastard, to "motivate me" and when I tell her that it just hurt and did nothing, she just says "I do it again anyway!"

Such a loving, caring person, who could never traumatize anyone ever, because she lives in her perfect little world, where her own children just cannot have been traumatized by her and all evidence to the contrary gets pulled out by the root, of course not inducing more trauma

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Abuse mention (~+) 

Seriously though, this explains so much about the shit I have to deal with now.

Like, how do you develop an identity, if all your experiences get "proven" wrong from the outside, all the time?

How do you develop trust, if all you say is used against you, to make you comfort to the made of world of someone else?

How do you learn what love is, if all you get is abuse and neglect, unless you do what other people want of you?

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Abuse mention (~+) 

In the end, it's my past and I wish I could undo it.
But I can't and I have to move forward.

But I can use this to explain why I act irrationally in many situations.

Why I don't need help by showing me how it's done. As it triggers flashbacks and fears of having my experience erased again.

I need someone by my side, who gives me directions! not somebody showing me "the best" (or their way) of doing it, even in the best intentions.

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Abuse mention (~+) 

I need people to understand me, not judge me.

Though, the latter I won't talk to much anyway.

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